The same feedback can open someone up or shut them down, depending on the exact words. Here's a practical 'say this, not that' guide to feedback phrases that keep people open and ready to improve.
Swap character for behavior
Not: 'You're disorganized.' Say: 'The report was missing the numbers we needed.' Attacking character triggers defense; naming specific behavior invites change.
Swap 'but' for 'and'
Not: 'Great work, but...' (which erases the praise). Say: 'Great work, and here's how to make it even stronger.' 'And' keeps the positive intact and frames feedback as building, not negating.
Swap accusation for curiosity
Frequently asked questions
What feedback phrases should I use?
Behavior over character, 'and' instead of 'but,' and curiosity ('help me understand') instead of accusation ('why did you').
Why does 'but' weaken feedback?
It erases the praise before it; 'and' keeps the positive and frames improvement as building.
How do I keep people open to feedback?
Focus on specific behavior and lead with curiosity, not accusation.
How can I practice this?
Book a free 30-minute class to work on it 1-on-1 with Digby R. Kerr.
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